Most writers have a success fantasy. (Go ahead. Think of yours.) It typically involves words like bestseller, Pulitzer, powerhouse agent, author tour, TV appearances, etc. And, of course, book deal. In my twenties, I’d imagined getting a book deal, dreaming of the day a powerhouse agent would call to tell me that she was two-thirds of the way through my manuscript and loved it and didn’t want me to talk to any other agent until she could finish reading and discuss representation with me. In true want-to-be-a-writer fashion, I hadn’t even written a book yet.
Loved this. You're so right that we all have these fantasies. I'm sitting here myself looking at all the goals I have for both Substack and my novel writing. What a great reminder to slow down & pick 1. Thank you!
What a beautifully inspired read! Ever in awe of your honesty about your journey, how it really feels and how you then turn it all into YOUR gold anyway! ✨🙌🏻🙏
Hedonic adaptation can be an ugly thing, especially for success adicts, but you're right: it is a very human thing. I'm glad you're no longer beating yourself up about it. Brilliant post, as ever.
I think the concept pairs well with the "Arrival Fallacy*" -- which Oliver Burkeman discusses eloquently in his book "Four Thousand Weeks".
*The idea that when I finally get (X), I'll be able to (Y). As if there's some imaginary moment or place in psychological time that the conditions will be just perfect for the goal you are directing your energy towards. It's an ever-moving target. The buddhists say, "Behind mountains lie more mountains."
Thank you! I wrote about it a bit in Pathological. It's hard to write about. Have you had that experience? I never meant to be, but I always worried I was being condescending or not relating their experience accurately.
I think writers have this hedonic treadmill reaction like no one else because there is such a huge gap between being (trad) pubbed & not, & because it takes so long to produce a publishable ms. It’s so easy to project everything onto that milestone that it’s nearly impossible NOT to be disappointed with the reality.
Brilliant, Sarah ... reminds me of the scene in "City Slickers" ... ONE THING! And, if we choose the right one thing, it transforms us into who we want to be because we are focused on it. Thank you for all your generous sharing.
I’m moved hear you talk so openly about your disappointments. Good advice to keep the goal simple and achievable.
I find another reason for my disappointment is that my expectations are out of whack with reality. So a goal like publishing a book, won’t only result in a book, but in me finally being happy, content, okay, safe... whatever it is I really desire!
Great post. Lots of honesty here, refreshing to hear about your journey and what constant seeking does to our ability to be satisfied. I hear you, as well, about the one goal. The way I'm wired, though, and maybe others are too, that when that goal is achieved, another one arrives immediately. There's rarely a pause to be grateful and satisfied. I remember taking a course long ago from author Jen Louden about Conditions of Enoughness. I used this COE idea for years when I got overwhelmed with my ceaseless goal setting and lack of satisfaction even when I achieved a goal. What would be enough, in this situation--I could ask myself that and it felt different from a goal, so it worked. I'm using it now as my second novel staggers towards publication in 6 weeks. It's become a bestseller and a Hot New Release in three of Amazon's lists. That was one goal, but instead of making me crazy happy (well, for more than a day) I just keep following the rankings until it drove me nuts. Stopped that. But the "enoughness" idea was to have advance readers LOVE the book. And that's made me satisfied. Not the Amazon rankings but the reactions of readers.
This COE idea sounds interesting; could you elaborate it a bit more? Is it a series of small related goals that you work towards, instead of just the one big goal?
Since it's Jen's idea, below is the link to her info on it.
I've worked with her idea for a few years and translated for myself this way: I set certain qualities instead of a tangible goal. In other words, if I set the quality of reader feedback making me feel my book was well received, that was more significant to me than the Hot New Release on Amazon, believe it or not.
First, congratulations! Amazing. I love COE: "What would be enough, in this situation--I could ask myself that and it felt different from a goal, so it worked." Adopting this practice now.
As a first time author with a six figure book deal in my back pocket, this is so so wonderful to read. I really needed this. Thank you. Back to writing (and goal setting) for me.
Love this! The lure of shifting goal posts is so real, but I really like the way you ask us to focus on one goal, with everything else being the gravy.
Loved this. You're so right that we all have these fantasies. I'm sitting here myself looking at all the goals I have for both Substack and my novel writing. What a great reminder to slow down & pick 1. Thank you!
What a beautifully inspired read! Ever in awe of your honesty about your journey, how it really feels and how you then turn it all into YOUR gold anyway! ✨🙌🏻🙏
Thank you, Claire!
Ahhh thank you for your honesty. Was lovely to read/listen to your heart. 🙏
Beautiful post, Sarah, and great advice. Thank you for the reminder. 💜
Thanks for sharing this - such a good reminder that “getting there” doesn’t necessarily mean satisfaction!
This is so eye-opening. Thanks for sharing your very authentic and honest experience. 😊
You're so welcome!
Hedonic adaptation can be an ugly thing, especially for success adicts, but you're right: it is a very human thing. I'm glad you're no longer beating yourself up about it. Brilliant post, as ever.
Thank you! I didn't know it was called hedonic adaptation. Love that.
I think the concept pairs well with the "Arrival Fallacy*" -- which Oliver Burkeman discusses eloquently in his book "Four Thousand Weeks".
*The idea that when I finally get (X), I'll be able to (Y). As if there's some imaginary moment or place in psychological time that the conditions will be just perfect for the goal you are directing your energy towards. It's an ever-moving target. The buddhists say, "Behind mountains lie more mountains."
This was excellent Sarah! Thank you for sharing with such vulnerability.
PS.. Would love to read more about your time teaching to students with disabilities..as I do similar work.
Thank you! I wrote about it a bit in Pathological. It's hard to write about. Have you had that experience? I never meant to be, but I always worried I was being condescending or not relating their experience accurately.
I think writers have this hedonic treadmill reaction like no one else because there is such a huge gap between being (trad) pubbed & not, & because it takes so long to produce a publishable ms. It’s so easy to project everything onto that milestone that it’s nearly impossible NOT to be disappointed with the reality.
Such a good point!
Sarah, I can’t tell you how much I love this. So honest and inspiring.
Setting goals is important and it’s some thing I just started to do, and I’m sure others, after reading this, will consider think about too. .
Thank you!
Brilliant, Sarah ... reminds me of the scene in "City Slickers" ... ONE THING! And, if we choose the right one thing, it transforms us into who we want to be because we are focused on it. Thank you for all your generous sharing.
I’m moved hear you talk so openly about your disappointments. Good advice to keep the goal simple and achievable.
I find another reason for my disappointment is that my expectations are out of whack with reality. So a goal like publishing a book, won’t only result in a book, but in me finally being happy, content, okay, safe... whatever it is I really desire!
Yes, there's that too. Everything is perfect after _________.
Really good piece. Reminds me of gold medal syndrome.
Thank you. Yes!
Great post. Lots of honesty here, refreshing to hear about your journey and what constant seeking does to our ability to be satisfied. I hear you, as well, about the one goal. The way I'm wired, though, and maybe others are too, that when that goal is achieved, another one arrives immediately. There's rarely a pause to be grateful and satisfied. I remember taking a course long ago from author Jen Louden about Conditions of Enoughness. I used this COE idea for years when I got overwhelmed with my ceaseless goal setting and lack of satisfaction even when I achieved a goal. What would be enough, in this situation--I could ask myself that and it felt different from a goal, so it worked. I'm using it now as my second novel staggers towards publication in 6 weeks. It's become a bestseller and a Hot New Release in three of Amazon's lists. That was one goal, but instead of making me crazy happy (well, for more than a day) I just keep following the rankings until it drove me nuts. Stopped that. But the "enoughness" idea was to have advance readers LOVE the book. And that's made me satisfied. Not the Amazon rankings but the reactions of readers.
This COE idea sounds interesting; could you elaborate it a bit more? Is it a series of small related goals that you work towards, instead of just the one big goal?
Since it's Jen's idea, below is the link to her info on it.
I've worked with her idea for a few years and translated for myself this way: I set certain qualities instead of a tangible goal. In other words, if I set the quality of reader feedback making me feel my book was well received, that was more significant to me than the Hot New Release on Amazon, believe it or not.
https://jenniferlouden.com/conditions-of-enoughness/#:~:text=It%20is%20in%20the%20asking,and%20the%20world%2C%20you%20want.
That makes sense! And thank you for the link. Off to read!
First, congratulations! Amazing. I love COE: "What would be enough, in this situation--I could ask myself that and it felt different from a goal, so it worked." Adopting this practice now.
It's brilliant. So glad Jen introduced it to the world.
As a first time author with a six figure book deal in my back pocket, this is so so wonderful to read. I really needed this. Thank you. Back to writing (and goal setting) for me.
Yay! I'm so glad I can be here for you.
Love this! The lure of shifting goal posts is so real, but I really like the way you ask us to focus on one goal, with everything else being the gravy.
Gravy!